From Rapids to Recovery

I grew up in southwest Ohio and struggled with mental health stuff in high school. Somewhat, you know, came from a fairly typical Midwestern background. And so I had an awareness, had some friends that had dealt with some stuff, but suicide wasn’t something that was entirely on my radar.

I went off to college and then graduate school. And that’s when I really sort of hit a wall. I guess I would say, really just ran into some tough challenges around, you know, completing my program and kind of balancing work and life and school responsibilities and, really encountered depression and anxiety in a severe way for the first time that it would really impact me. And I remember periods where I couldn’t get off the couch for a week or two…And it wasn’t easy for me to talk about it. I didn’t do a very good job about asking for help. I wasn’t sure how to ask for help.

And I reached a point where, you know, I had made the decision that I was going to take my own life. And it was an attempt that was not completed. And after that, I was able to get some help and connect with the therapist, connect with the peer group, talk more to my family and friends and eventually sort of see some space in a way, out of the spiral that I was in. There was a lot of shame there and a lot of stigma. So even as I was getting some professional support, I wasn’t really sharing my story, because of how I thought it might make me look in terms of having let people down or something like that. So, you know, for me, the experience was one of holding this secret in a lot of ways, not in all areas of my life, and that was something that took me a while to get through.

What was really, I think, effective and impactful for me was being able to talk with other folks who had a similar lived experience in a non-clinical, non medical setting. So for me, there was definitely a place for therapy and medication; that’s not the case for everyone. But the ability to really navigate those pieces and parts that had felt so off limits to the world or so that I was so afraid of being vulnerable about or opening up about – to sit across from someone, or sit in a small group with someone who had been, in a way, in a similar place, who understands what it’s like to have this big thing that is so impactful in your life but you feel like you can’t talk about it or, to be able to share in the language of what it means when you’re dealing with thoughts of hurting and harming yourself. Having other people who had been through something similar, who knew what that language, that self-talk, that inner critic could sound like, who knew how to work through it or overcome it, who knew that it was okay to have, you know, thoughts and feelings and that there are ways to kind of move through those and that, you know, our mental health is such a river, you know, that ebbs and flows and we have our ups and downs and, and everybody goes through experiences like these.

So that sense of “I’m not alone” and these things that I think are so terrible or that I have to hold with such, fear, shame, you know, because they’re just so hard to have others to talk about who know what that’s like, that made a big difference. Because it really helped me feel like, if there was a pathway through for them that there was a pathway through for me, and it also helped me hold on to reminders about why I still wanted to be here, which at times was not always easy to grasp.

What surprised me is that the things that keep us going or our reasons for living or we’re kind of why we’re here, it doesn’t always have to be profound. You know, certainly all of us, I think, have our ideas about, you know, what our place is in this world, what meaning we want to bring, what impact we have to have, but there is so much space for these little joys.

For me, it’s pets. My black lab, family, my friends, you know, connecting with nature, connecting with art, creating things, writing, making music. It doesn’t always have to be something so big. It can really be the small things. And it may only be one of those things a day sometimes, but there are so many reasons why it’s important to be here, and why I’m glad I’m here, and why I’m glad others who are struggling are still here.

What’s really sustained me, is a willingness to sort of be mindful about, the world around me and the ways that I continue to grow as a person, to recognize that my own struggles with mental health challenges and suicidality, are part of me, but not all of me and that, they inform my experience. They inform some of the expertise now that I bring into the work I do. And so, I can hold all of that I think in a way that feels hopeful and forward looking. I hope others can find that space for themselves too.

If I could share anything with someone who is struggling right now, you know, the message would be to find what works for you, whether that’s finding professional or peer help to talk about it, whether that’s accessing resources. We’re so fortunate to live in a time when we have, you know, texting and chat and phone lines and websites and all kinds of things we can access right at our fingertips.

So, you know, if you’re struggling, finding a way that you can not struggle alone. So whether that’s bringing in someone – a trusted loved one from your close circle of family or friends, whether that’s accessing resources, I would say finding a way to just deal with it in community rather than on your own. Other people have gone through what you’ve gone through.

Other people are thriving after having gone [through] what you’ve gone through. And so there’s hope for you, and that would be my message. You’re not alone.

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