*Peter has lost several peers to suicide, and it has made him appreciate the need to connect with and support the people around you who may be struggling. He also recognizes the common trait among many men to not ask for help when they are having a rough time. Through these experiences, Peter has worked to take on a new role providing peer support to other first responders.

Unfortunately, my life has been impacted three times by suicide. And I can honestly say that hindsight is haunting. But I’m also open to the fact that sharing my experiences can be helpful.  

I started a new position with a company in the early 1990s. A handful of us went through extensive training together, so we got to know each other fairly well. With only two males in the group, the other gentleman and I paired up frequently. I was eventually promoted to a supervisory position. My coworker, however, seemingly struggled with the office environment. He ended up getting heavily involved in office drama, and eventually didn’t show up for work for almost a week. I had a feeling that something was going on, but honestly didn’t give it much thought, thinking that he would either figure it out, get in contact, or move onto something else.   When he finally did come to work, I did not get a chance to speak with him. He showed up outside my office door one morning, just standing there as I spoke to someone on the phone, looking like he wanted to talk.  When I got off the call, he was gone. I looked around for him, but he had apparently already left.  Someone told me that he had given his immediate notice. The next morning, I arrived at work to find out that my coworker had taken his life after he’d left the office.

I never got the chance to talk to him. And that hurt.  What if I had said something?  How would his day have ended if we had the opportunity to talk?  Would I have made a positive impact on him? 

Would he be alive today?

Another friend, (who I’d met working at a different job), became a restaurant owner. My wife and I ate at his place a lot. One time he did something very generous and unexpected for us. We had run off to the Cape and got married, and when we returned, he closed half the restaurant down on a busy holiday weekend to host a celebration dinner for us!

Fast forward, and I was now a volunteer firefighter digging through the rubble of the burned remains of that restaurant. It suddenly hit me that it was 10 years to the exact day that my friend had hosted our party. He had set it ablaze before ending his life. 

I never had the chance to talk to him. Never had the opportunity to ask him about how things were going, how life was treating him.  I had heard rumors of things going south business-wise, but I apparently had too much going on to get in contact with him or to visit his establishment.  And I often wonder if any contact would have made a difference.  

Would he be alive today?

A few years later, I responded to a motor vehicle accident in town. Much to my dismay, I recognized the vehicle that had been hit belonged to a good friend of mine, who was seriously injured. This friend had built a good portion of my house, and we played golf together. The last thing he said was, “It hurts, Peter,” and then he was gone.

And I never had the chance to answer him.

A few days later, a group of us got together over pizza and drinks to both celebrate and mourn our friend’s life. Another friend, who had been going through some issues of his own, showed up and for the first time in quite a while, was his old self – engaged, laughing, joking and telling stories. It was a good – albeit sad – night. We all eventually said goodnight and went our separate ways. Five days later, the friend who had been struggling but seemed better was now also gone, also having taken his own life. And I never got the chance to talk to him, to ask him how things were going, how he was feeling. 

Would he be alive today?

As someone who has lost three friends to suicide, I encourage everyone not to hesitate to contact or put off calling old friends and family. A simple call or email just to check in goes a long way.

Don’t let the opportunity pass before you might not have a chance to catch up. Ever again. The regret of not making that last contact when you had the opportunity can live with you for a long, long time. Take the time to talk. Like me, you may regret it if you don’t, as we don’t realize what we’ve had until it’s gone.

While I am still learning to live with and process the premature losses of my friends, being able to talk with my wife, family, and friends has been the biggest help for me in the aftermath. I am also grateful for the opportunity to support others as part of a first responder peer crisis network in Vermont. Helping others has gone a long way in allowing me to help myself.  Internalizing and tucking away feelings and painful memories is not the way to deal with these immensely impactful and heavy events in our lives.  

“Real men don’t cry.” 

 You bet your ass we do.  And it feels good sometimes. 

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